Choices Made
by Infactrus Pennae
Summary: Dreams of what might have been...change what could be.


Spock let her go quickly after she declared her undying love for him; he had caught her in his arms, after the turbo lift opened with out the turbo lift being there. It had been bad enough he held her for more time then he normally should of. It was easy to surmise why she would think to say, 'I love you, now I know you love me too.' How could she mistake his wanting to assure she was unharmed with love? "Nurse Chapel, I am Vulcan I can no more love you then I could..." His only physical response to her second declaration of love was as raised eyebrow. In the four years since Christine's first declaration of love she had never so much uttered another word about it.

She wouldn't, couldn't allow him to finish his statement. "Mr. Spock, I knew that isn't true...You do love me I know somewhere inside of you love me." It had been hard enough for her to tell him. She tried to compose herself, not only was she still shaken by almost walking into an empty turbo lift shaft, she also did the one thing she promised she never would again. With hope that he may finally be able to realize part of him loved her.

He watched her intently, part of him knew she was right, part of him just wanted to run away. "I could say 'I love you' but they would be nothing more then words. Would I of been raised on Earth, perhaps it would be different." He darn not say anymore less his human half take over. It's wasn't that he was unaffected by her presence, it was he couldn't allow himself to be. After he made the decision she was ok he told her, "if you will excuse me nurse I have duties to attend." With out further word he walked away not dare look back.

Christine watched him go, angry with him & angry with her self for once again making a fool out of herself. This time she had no Virus or mind control to blame for her declaration. As she watched him go his words played in her mind, 'Would I of been raised on Earth, perhaps it would be different'. If only the hands of time could be turned back things would have been very different indeed.

That night both would find themselves dreaming of what life could have been like if Spock would have been raised on Earth. How could the other ever in vision each have a dream that charted the same concept?

For Christine, sleep was not easy to come by. Her mind kept replaying Spock's last words to her. Once sleep finally came, it wasn't long after dreams followed.

As she looked around she saw a landscaping that was familiar to her but at the same time different. In he distance walking towards her was a woman carrying an infant. She walked in the direction of the woman to notice the familiar yet younger face of Spock's mother. She couldn't help but to see the tears in her eyes. With a compassionate smile she asked, "what's wrong?"

Amanda looked at her with a startled expression in her eyes; she had hoped she would not find any one around her. The blue in her eyes looked almost purple from all the tears. "Nothing..." She dare not tell this woman that she felt his own son repulsed her husband. How could she say that he wouldn't as much as comfort his child when he cried. She had enough when her baby reached for his father & Sarek moved away, as not to be touched. Other Vulcan father's cherished their children, why couldn't Sarek unless he was ashamed of his son.

"Well there must be some problem or else you wouldn't be crying." Christine said with compassion in her eyes. She knew so little of Spock's childhood, but could only assume that it was Sarek that had Amanda in tears. "You are Amanda Grayson, Ambassador Sarek's wife correct?"

Amanda faced turned to one of utter confusion, "yes, but how do you know me...I do not know you."

With a quick thought in her head she remembered one fact of Spock's being, "it is not hard to recognize the first human to marry & give birth to a Vulcan." She watched the baby Spock sleeping in his mother's arms. "How old is your son?"

Amanda smiled, part of her loved the fact people knew who she was & another part of her wanted only to be a nobody again. It wasn't that easy being Ambassador Sarek human wife, more times then not she wished she didn't love her husband. Life as the wife of a Vulcan was not easy, she had to be submissive to his every request. The fact her Vulcan husband was an Ambassador as well made it even harder on her. "Spock is 6 months old."

"Well he as a beautiful baby, & I knew he will be a handsome man." She smiled at the thought of this sleeping baby would one day be her heart's desire. "You still have not told me why you are crying...it does help to talk about your pain." Her voice was warm & tender; she really did want to help Amanda feel better.

Amanda looked at her; it had been two years since she talked to another human about her feelings. This woman she knew nothing about had a love in her eyes that seemed to transcend everything else. "I just...I hate the fact my son will never know love, the way part of him needs to know love. Vulcan's teach their children to control & suppress their emotions. I don't want that for my son, I want him to let that part of me shine through. He has so much of his father in him, I feel at times he is all Vulcan and not part human." She wanted her son to know all of his emotions & not be afraid to use them. Even at such a young age his very un-Vulcan cries seemed to disappoint his father.

Christine put her hands on her shoulder, "for human's feelings are an important part of our well-being. You husband surely must understand that?" Amanda only shock her head. "Then perhaps you need to get way from here for a while. Your son will never learn to trust his human side if he grows up here on Vulcan." She almost couldn't believe what she was saying; she had just told Amanda to leave Sarek & Vulcan.

She never expected the next words that came out of Amanda's mouth, "I was leaving." Christine looked at her, then she realized, if it weren't for her being here she might of calmed down & returned home. She also noticed that as they had walked they were at Vulcan's Planeside Spaceport. When they went inside Amanda walked to the ticket both, "1 passport to Earth," she told the young Vulcan standing behind the counter. After she had her ticket she caught a look at her face in a mirror, it was red & swallowing. "If you will excuse me I will go clean off my face, I look a mess." She walked into the restroom.

No sooner was she in the restroom then a man walked through the doors, his face very familiar, "I am looking for my wife & son." He looked around the Spaceport; there was no sign of them in there, however he knew she would come. She told him; she would return with her son to Earth & raise him on Earth. It was illogical for her to do such a thing, but it was even more illogical to argue with her when she was so upset.

Christine looked at him, thought a few moments about what she would say & then spoke, "there was a human woman with a Vulcan child...but there are no longer in the room." She had walked close enough that no one but Sarek could her answer.

Sarek looked at this human female talking to him, "they have left, I don't know where they went but that are no longer in this room." Part of it wasn't a lie; they were not in the room but she did know where they were. "She told me she wanted her child to grow up to value his emotions & not hide from them."

Sarek raised an eyebrow, & for an instant Christine thought she saw a brief frown on his face, "Then I maybe too late." If his wife was gone he would not follow her, it was her choice to leave not his. He had tried to talk her out of going in their home. Amanda had simply wanted the one thing he could not express, love. After he regained his Vulcan control, he looked at this woman in the eyes, turned around & walked out without another word.

Amanda came out 5 minutes after Sarek left she was refreshed & clean. Before Christine could speak, the ticket master announced the shuttle for Earth was now boarding. Amanda gave Christine a quick glance, "Thank you for your time." Amanda with her son boarded the shuttle that would take her to Earth to raise her son in the one place she long to be home.

Christine's dream placed her back on the Enterprise 1 week before they were due to dock. To be more precise it was less then 15 minutes before would almost walk into an empty turbo shaft, causing her to stupidly tell Spock she loved him. She got out of the bed & retrieved the robe she wore in her cabin. With a chime at her door she said 'come'. She was almost puzzled at the fact that the object of her affection stand in her doorway with a look in his eyes she had never seen. She smiled at him, "come in, I was just about to look for you. I wanted to..." his finger pressed against her lips cut off her words.

"Now is not the time for words Christine," after the door closed behind him, he began to remove the clothing she wore. "I desire you now Christine." She needed not more words this is what she always wanted. After Spock had her fully undressed she allowed for him to carry her to the bed where he made love to her. Once his body was spent he looked into her eyes, "have you decided what to do with your pregnancy?"

She looked at him shocked, but she had to go along with it, "no, I was hoping you & I would..."

"Christine, you knew when we started this affair I was married to Leila Kalomi." There was a hint of resentment in his eyes, not at being married but the fact that Christine wanted him, to leave his wife & children.

She felt a stab of pain shot through her, her dreams of being with Spock had come true, but not in the way she wanted. With a sigh she said, "I will have my child."

"Do not expect me to acknowledge it," he told her quit matter of factly & got out of her bed. He use for her was over, he would be returning to his wife & son's after this week.

"I loved you, how could you do this to me?" Her eyes held tears in them.

"I have never told you I loved you, nor have I told you we would have a future. As for your child, that is your concern not mine." He said as he dressed, once he was fully dressed he walked out the door.

Why did she ever change the past, what ever in her mind let her think she could of had him all to herself? Now she would not have him, but she would have his son or daughter. She sat in her bed felling quit dirty from the experience they just shared. Her memories would have to last her a lifetime. There was no going back & correcting the timeline. She & her child would be very alone.

Christine awoke with a start, her body dripping with sweat. Tears streamed down her face, how could she ever envision Spock in such a manner. The later part of her dream went against what she knew of his very nature; never would he be so cold or callous. Yet she was disturbed by her actions in her dream as well as his. Getting out of bed she dressed & went to sickbay, if she couldn't sleep she may as well work.

Spock looked over to his chronometer; he had first tried to meditate & then tried lying back in bed. Why had the interlude with Nurse Chapel disturbed him so? She was just a woman, why would he react to her the way he did. With a sigh he closed his eyes determine to find sleep. As a Vulcan dreams were not the normal distraction to a good sleep, but in a very un-Vulcan fashion Spock dreamed. Not just any dream but one that he had meditated on, what would his life be like if he would of grown up on Earth with out the influence of a Vulcan father. His mind took him back to the same time period he had told his father he planned to join Starfleet.

"Mom…" Spock said as he looked at his approval letter from Starfleet. It was something he knew he had to do, his life was missing something & he didn't know what it was. Once his mother had come to him he looked at her, "do you think may father would have approved of my decision to join Starfleet?"

Amanda looked at her 16-year-old son, what could she say. She knew 15 years ago Sarek had told her his son had pleased him. He had journeyed to Earth to be united with them when the ship he was traveling on went into matter/anti-matter imbalance & exploded, all 250 hands were lost. "Spock, I would like to say he would of, but Sarek was a Vulcan & I believe he would of wanted you to go to the Vulcan Science Academy." She tried to smile at her son, but she had a stab of pain every time she had to think of Sarek & knowing his death had been her fault. If she would of stayed on Vulcan, if he just would of come to stop her from leaving.

Spock looked at his mother, "then he would have been disappointed." He took notice of his mother's distress & embraced her. It was not a very Vulcan thing to do but he was only a Vulcan on the outside, his heart & mind were very human. He looked at the Grandfather clock, "I have a date with Leila, I better get going." He smiled at his mother as he released her. With out further word he was out the door & in his convertible Skimmer. Before he arrived at her home he would get the bottle of champagne he had one of his 'of age' friends get for him. He had a liking to it as well as Brandy. Today was suppose to be a special date Leila said she had something very Important to tell him. Upon his arrival at her family's home, she was waiting outside for him. Her parents didn't like him very much, but he didn't care he loved Leila, & today he would ask her to marry him. He got out of the skimmer & opened the door for her, "you look beautiful tonight," he told her as he kissed her. After he returned to the skimmer he took off to their favorite secret spot. Upon parking he, looked over to her & began to move his hands down her frame.

She looked at her Vulcan lover smiling, "Spock, those actions have caused my lateness…" she kissed him as he looked at her startled.

"Are you…" he didn't have to finish the statement, he knew from her eyes she was pregnant. Part of him wondered why they hadn't used some from of birth control. Inside he was angry at the feeling of being trapped, he knew he loved Leila, & wanted to marry her, but he had wanted to do so after he had finished Starfleet Academy. Now his plans were changed, he would have to marry he now. Knowing he was not ready to step into the shoes of being a father he was glad he was going to be around very little. He didn't even know how a father was suppose to behave. In that instance he inwardly cursed his mother for taking him away from his father & causing his death. "Leila, I have been accepted into Starfleet, I plan to leave in 2 weeks. If you desire to be married we must do so before I leave."

She smiled at him, "No you finish Starfleet Acdemy first. The baby & myself will wait for you."

He looked at her with love in his eyes, "then allow for me to provide for you." His father's monies were now his & he would make sure she was taken care of. After all she carried his child.

His first month had been very uneventful until he found himself in the library watching a beautiful blonde. Her eyes were the loveliest blue he had ever seen, even more lovely then the woman that carried his child. Being young his hormones got the better of him walking over to he smiled, "may I join you?"

She looked up at him, surprised to see a Vulcan smiling at her, "sure have a seat." She smiled back at him. There was something about him that she found captivating. "My name's Christine Chapel."

He nodded, "what a lovely name for a lovely girl, I am Spock." He felt his body being affected by her good looks. With out the desire to fight it he asked, "would you care to walk with me?"

Together they walked the beach talking for hours. She told him she was studying to be a biologist. He told her about his parent's & his father's death. Neither of them would have dreamed that they would share a physical relationship before the night was over. Once it was over they both felt very guilty about it. Christine had been seeing Dr. Roger Korby & Spock had made a commitment to Leila & his child.

...

Spock awoke as the words came out of his mouth "…that is your concern not mine." The last part of his dream had disturbed him greatly; he could never deny a child of his even if it wasn't something he wanted. Little did he know Christine had a very similar dream. Getting dressed he left for a walk, & stopped outside Sickbay when he heard her dictating a report tot the computer. He walked into Sickbay, "Christine…" his voice trembled he was still deeply disturbed by the dream he had of her.

She spun around looking at him angry, she knew her dream hadn't been real but she was hurt by it non-the-less. "Spock…what are you doing here."

This was one look that he had never seen in her eyes, before she always had love there. Part of his wished she did at this moment, "you look troubled."

Not knowing what to say she said, "I…just had a dream that showed me…it is not so pleasing to have one's dreams come true after all."

He watched her with interest, for the first time seeing her in a different light, "no espicailly when those dreams go against one's very nature" his voice was gentle.

That was the second time his words puzzled her, "Spock I really have to work." She couldn't handle being in the same room with him any longer.

Spock lifted an eyebrow, "last night I told you I could not love you…" She wanted him out of Sickbay, "please leave." Hear eyes filled with tears. HE took her arm, " not until I explain why I can not say 'I love you'. I told you if I were raised on Earth I could maybe say it, but if I were raised on Earth I knew I would of belonged to someone else. As a Vulcan I can belong to who ever I desire no that I am no longer mated to T'Pring." He could only hope she could understand his words.

She looked at him, "I could never be an affair, my dream showed me that is all I would ever be for you."

He hid the hurt in his eyes; his 2 steps forward had been met with her 5 steps back. If he wanted to explore the possibilities of anything with her, it would have to take time & understanding. It was very obvious to him that her dream of him had hurt her deeply. If she had a dream similar to his h w could he blame her? What had woken him to her had caused her to close her eyes to him.


End file.
